When To Exercise Caution In Co-Parenting: Intimate Partner Violence

The main goal of co-parenting is to work together to be better parents, but sometimes it isn’t safe. In some situations, parents need to be very careful when co-parenting. It’s important to keep children safe from harmful relationships, especially if there has been abuse, violence, control or manipulation between the parents. Family violence can harm children in many ways:

 

• Children feel much less safe (National Child Traumatic Stress Network, 2006).
• Kids who see family violence may start to doubt who they can trust, especially if the trusted person is a parent (Cook & Van Der Kolk, 2005).
• Children exposed to family violence often have more mental health problems later in life, including lower self-esteem (Monnat & Chandler, 2015)
• School performance and the ability to solve conflicts can drop a lot (Rossman et al., 2000).
• Children may have stronger beliefs in traditional gender roles and develop attitudes that support violence against women (Berkel et al., 2004) and may also have a lower self-image (Koutselini & Valanidou, 2013).
• If one parent is being seriously abused, the child is more likely to be abused, and it could even be by both parents (Vargas et al., 2002).
• Children who experience family violence are more likely to be involved in family violence as adults, either as an abuser or as a victim. (Southern & Sullivan, 2021).

 

When there is a history of abuse between parents, children often do better when they are taken out of the abusive environment. If one parent is violent or abusive toward the other, it is usually best for the children if the parents separate.

 

Recognizing Abusive Relationships

For many parents, recognizing that they are in an abusive relationship is an important step toward getting the help they need to leave. Signs of an abusive partner can include:

 

• Starting arguments on purpose.
• Limiting contact with friends or family.
• Always needing to know where their partner is or who they are with.
• Calling their partner rude names, yelling or swearing at them in public.
• Trying to scare their partner on purpose.
• Hiding money or keeping their partner from accessing it.
• Preventing their partner from working outside the home.
• Using physical violence.

 

Some relationships may have short episodes of violence, but harmful relationships often follow a repeating pattern (Walker, 1979):

 

• The pattern usually begins with abuse, which can include physical violence, psychological control or manipulation by the abuser.
• Next is the “honeymoon” phase, where the abuser feels guilty, promises to change or seeks forgiveness. They may beg the victim to stay.
• This is followed by a period of normal behavior, where the abuse seems to stop and everything feels calm.
• Over time, tension builds again. The abuser may start using control tactics like insults, yelling or breaking things, leading back to the cycle of abuse.

 

Sometimes, an abuser may try to convince his or her partner to stay by promising never to hurt them again. They might also use the child to manipulate their partner, pressuring them to return or to allow unscheduled visits with the child (Frankel, 2002; Lahav, 2021). Abusive partners may also try to turn the children against the other parent by making negative comments. For example, they might say things like:

 

• “If you weren’t divorcing me, our daughter wouldn’t have to go through this. How can you do this to her? Let’s just get back together.”
• “I know I’m not supposed to have unsupervised visits, but come on! I’m his father! What kind of mother would stop her son from seeing his dad?”
• “Your mother is tearing this family apart. She doesn’t deserve our love.”
• “Your dad is trying to keep you away from me.”

 

Removing children from abusive environments is essential for their safety, healing and well-being.

 

Mandating Reporting

In many states, including Oklahoma, every adult is legally required to report suspected child abuse or neglect to the Department of Human Services or law enforcement (Oklahoma Statute 10A O.S. 1-2-101). Failing to report suspected abuse is a crime and could even affect your custody rights. Domestic violence in front of a child puts the child at risk of abuse and can lead to long-term mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (Wright & Fagan, 2012). In some states, exposing children to violence is a reportable offense, and failing to protect your children could result in legal consequences. Additionally, making false claims of abuse is a criminal offense and can lead to legal trouble as well as harm your parental rights.

 

Other Forms of Abuse and Addictions

Parents should be very careful if the other parent is involved in criminal activity, substance abuse or exposes children to inappropriate content. While it’s usually good for children to have both parents in their lives, situations involving abuse, neglect or inappropriate behavior need professional help to make sure the children are safe.

 

Safe Visitation Options

After a divorce, it may still be possible and beneficial for a child to have a relationship with their co-parent, even in challenging situations. However, every situation is different. Professional help should always be sought when dealing with issues like abuse or addiction in co-parenting. This might start with consulting a lawyer or mental health professional and could involve more specialized guidance from a parenting coordinator or custody evaluator.

 

Depending on the circumstances, some options include:

 

Supervised Visitation

If a parent is working on improving their behavior, supervised visits can allow the child to maintain a relationship while ensuring their safety.

 

Clear Guidelines in Custody Agreements

In cases involving past or ongoing domestic violence, custody agreements should aim to reduce contact between parents and limit decisions that require cooperation. A judge might include conditions such as supervised contact, completing intervention programs, or undergoing random drug testing for parents with substance abuse issues.

 

Limited Contact Through Letters or Phone Calls

In some cases, this can be a safer way for a child to stay connected with a parent. However, this contact should be monitored to prevent manipulation.

 

Finding Support

If domestic violence is part of your divorce, it’s important to seek professional help. Local domestic violence shelters, community resources, or national hotlines like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1 (800) 799-7233) can help.

 

If family violence is playing a part in your divorce, it is important to seek professional help. Your local community may have a domestic violence shelter close by, while those in rural areas may have to look for resources farther away. Parents should aim to identify a range of resources for not only domestic violence, but resources for dealing with substance abuse, individual, couple and behavioral counseling, religious-affiliated resources, nonprofit resources and financial counseling.

 

Remember, keeping yourself and your children safe is your highest priority. Thus, you should be aware that when looking up resources for support, computers can easily track your internet history. Make sure if you access the hotline website, you do so from a safe location.

 

• In Oklahoma, to help identify local resources that you can use, you can contact the Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault. Call their SAFEline at 1 (800) 522-SAFE (7233) or visit the  Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Website.
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to provide expert advocates to speak with you about your specific situation and to help point you to local resources. You can call the hotline at 1 (800) 799-7233 (or TTY: 1 (800) 787-3224) or you can visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline Website.

 

Creating a Safety Plan

If you’re planning to leave an abusive partner, here are some things to consider:

 

• Have a plan for where to go and what to do if you leave your home.
• Pack a bag with clothes, important items and documents, and keep it ready.
• Make sure someone knows about the abuse and can call the police if needed.
• Teach your children how to call the police.
• Set up a code word with family and friends to ask for help.

 

After leaving, it’s important to keep safety in mind:

 

• Set up a savings account to help you be independent.
• Change the locks and consider installing security systems at your new home.
• File for a protective order and keep a copy with you. Share copies with the police, family and your workplace.
• Tell schools, daycares and others who are allowed to pick up your children, and tell them to call the police if the abuser shows up.

 

Co-Parenting After Abuse

Once safety is ensured, support is needed to create a safe co-parenting plan. Some things to consider include:

 

• Monitoring the abuser’s contact with the children to ensure safety.
• Teaching both parents how to communicate less to reduce the chance for the abuser to control or manipulate the other parent.
• Setting clear boundaries and co-parenting expectations to keep both the children and parents safe.

 

Finally, children who witness or experience violence may benefit from therapy to help them process their emotions and improve their relationships with their parents (National Child Traumatic Stress Network, 2006)

 

References

Berkel, L. A., Vandiver, B. J., & Bahner, A. D. (2004). Gender role attitudes, religion, and spirituality as predictors of domestic violence attitudes in white college students. Journal of College Student Development, 45, 119-133.

 

Cloitre, M., & Van Der Kolk, B. (2005). Complex trauma in children and adolescents. Psychiatric Annals, 35, 390–398.

 

Frankel, J. (2002). Exploring Ferenczi’s concept of identification with the aggressor: Its role in trauma, everyday life, and the therapeutic relationship. Psychoanalytic Dialogues, 12(1), 101–139. https://doi.org/10.1080/10481881209348657

 

Koutselini, M., & Valanidou, F. (2013). Children living with violence against their mothers: the side effects on their behavior, self-image and school performance. Pedagogy, Culture & Society, 22(2), 213–231. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681366.2013.815259

 

Lahav Y. (2021). Painful bonds: Identification with the aggressor and distress among IPV survivors. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 144, 26-31. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2021.09.046

 

Monnat, S. M., & Chandler, R. F. (2015). Long term physical health consequences of adverse childhood experiences. The Sociological Quarterly, 56(4), 723-752. https://doi.org/10.1111/tsq.12107

 

National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (2006). Interventions for Children Exposed to Domestic Violence: Core Principles. https://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/resources/special-resource/mobilizing_trauma_resources_for_children_interventions_for_child_exposed_to_violence.pdf

 

Children and Juvenile Code, Title 10A. Children and Juvenile Code. O.S. § 1-2-101 (2023).

 

Rossman, B. B., Hughes, H. M., & Rosenberg, M. S. (2000). Children and interparental violence: The impact of exposure. Routledge.

 

Southern, S., & Sullivan, R. D. (2021). Family Violence in Context: An Intergenerational Systemic Model. The Family Journal, 29(3), 260-291. https://doi.org/10.1177/10664807211006274

 

Vargas, L., Cataldo, J., & Dickson, S. (2005). Domestic Violence and Children. In G. R. Walz & R. K. Yep (Eds.), VISTAS: Compelling Perspectives on Counseling (pp. 67-69). Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association.

 

Walker, L. (1979). The Battered Woman. New York: NY Harper & Row.