Open communication is key to planning with aging parents
Wednesday, April 16, 2025
Media Contact: Trisha Gedon | Sr. Communications Specialist | 4057443625 | trisha.gedon@okstate.edu
Adult children often have open lines of communication with their parents when planning for the holidays, a family vacation or visiting with grandchildren, but talking about money, wills and trusts can be awkward and may hinder the flow of conversation.
Planning ahead and making sure everyone is on the same page is important for all family members involved, said Mengya Wang, Oklahoma State University Extension finance specialist.
“Although it may be uncomfortable to talk to your aging parents about their plans for their assets, it’s a conversation that needs to take place,” she said. “As adult children, we want to honor our parents’ wishes, and knowing what those wishes are ahead of time can help expedite the process. Also, be clear that this is a discussion about preparation and peace of mind, not death.”
To begin the conversation, Wang suggests sharing with parents that you have started your planning process. For example, “Hey, Mom, I’ve updated my emergency binder, and I just wanted to let you know where it is in case something happens to me. It’s in this spot, and I want you to be able to find it easily. By the way, do you have something similar – a place where you keep all your important documents together?”
Another option is to tell a story about a friend who is going through this process, and how it has been difficult because those parents didn’t have an established plan that included a will or trust.
“Sometimes it’s helpful to bring up this topic when you’re doing something else, such as cooking or gardening,” Wang said. “In my family, my mother is most comfortable while working in the kitchen, so this is where I try to talk with her about hard topics. This method is easier than sitting down and staring at each other in the living room. Parents need to feel at ease and not like you’re invading their privacy.”
As parents age, they may need some assistance with ensuring all of their plans are in place. Talk to them about the different power of attorney options, including general power of attorney, durable power of attorney and springing power of attorney. A general power of attorney is valid as long as the parent is capable of acting for him or herself and ends automatically when the parent becomes mentally incapacitated or dies. A durable power of attorney remains in effect even after the parent becomes mentally incapacitated but ends when the parent dies, or it is revoked when the parent notifies the attorney in writing. A springing power of attorney goes into effect only when the parent becomes incapacitated.
“If your parents don’t have any of these options in place, explain the consequences of not doing so. The same holds true with establishing a will and a trust,” Wang said. “Remember, any of their personal property, investment accounts, vehicles – everything they own – will have to go through probate if it isn’t included in the trust.”
If possible, talk about how parents want to divide assets. Do the heirs want to sell the family home or keep it as a rental/investment property? The will should outline how things such as property taxes or home maintenance will be taken care of if the home remains in the family.
Often, it’s not the house or bank accounts that can cause a riff in the family. Discuss who wants the photo albums and who gets great-grandma’s deviled egg plate. Devise a plan now of how the adult children should divide the assets fairly.
“Everyone needs to be on the same page and make everything as transparent as possible,” Wang said. “Conflict is hard on families and parents don’t want their adult children arguing over things and possibly ruining relationships. While the conversation may be difficult to have, avoiding conflict now can make it worse later on.”